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Will you still love me when it’s three in the morning and I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe? Will you still love me when I coat pillows in mascara and eyeliner because my mom decided to remind me how worthless she thinks I am? Will you still love me when I shut you out and won’t explain to you why because I don’t want to bring you down? Will you still love me when I can’t handle being strong and I find relief in razors instead of your arms? Will you still love me when you know I have demons constantly lurking in my mind just waiting to mess everything up? 

You are my everything, and I don’t want darkness to mess this up.

I promised to love you no matter what. And I plan to see that promise through to the end of my life.
Will you still love me as I love you?

Because I’ve got demons too.

You’re my world, my heaven, my all.
Because even with darkness, I’ll see you as my guiding light.

In Bruges

                “One could say that the series of events leading up to my death was rather – unfortunate, to say the least. They say that sometimes Hell is what you make of it, well – have you ever been to Bruges? Lovely place some people say, it’s – oh what’s that? Where’s Bruges? It’s in Belgium, yeah I never would have guessed hell is in Belgium either but that’s beside the point.  Anyway, Bruges right, it’s this lovely and magical place that reminds people of fairytales and whatnot. To me, it was a shite-hole. It was bad enough I was dragged to Bruges for a second time for work, again. What happened there, fuck man – I’ve seen some things you never wanna see.”

                He can’t be dead – no, no, no, no, no. He laid there, limp and lifeless on the cold pavement, surrounded by a crowd of people whose jaws would be on the floor had it not been attached to their thick skulls. Blood leaked from his wounds, two shots through the skull and five in the chest. No one would come back from that. I ran towards him pushing aside as many people as I could, Jesus, how could this have happened. I let him out of my sight for one minute and he goes and gets himself shot. I slid onto my knees and pulled Ray closer to me, he was bleeding out gallons of blood. I was already tearing up, but I had to hold back the tears, I couldn’t start bawling my eyes out just yet. Shit, Ray. 

We just had to be in Bruges.

One year later.

“Fucking Bruges, Kris.”
                I heard him over the speakerphone on my Sony Xperia.
                Christ, he was pissed, of course he would be. He almost died the last time we were here.
“I mean for God’s sake we could be anywhere in the world right now to do a job and where do we head to?”
                I answered.
“That’s right, fucking right. Bruges.”
“Now don’t go blowing your head off, Ray. You’re sitting in a bloody Volks for Christ’s sake and I’m sittin in a freaking Alfa Romeo, we’re living the good life, man.”

A slightly excited tone came from my end, I mean who wouldn’t be? We really were living. That one hit we did a few months back gave us enough cash to propel our business skyward. We were the top of the top.
                What business are we in, you ask? We shoot people for a living.
“Yeah yeah, we’ve got good cars and good guns, we’re living. So why the bloody hell did we take a job in Bruges?!”
                Oh God he was pissed.
“Because the pay is good, it’s just one target and no one told me it was fucking Bruges till I took the job.”
“Right, right. Fine, fine! I just really fucking hate Bruges.”

                We drove for another hour or so along the empty roads, it was autumn so the colours around us helped to at least lighten the mood. Yellow and orange leaves were scattered all along the roads as the sun started to dip into the horizon, casting a yellow sky overhead. It would take us another half hour before we reached the hotel but I could feel it in me already, we’ve been driving nonstop in our cars for about what two to three hours now? My back hurt and my hands were getting tired, fuck we needed a fag break. We decided to stop for a few minutes by the side of the road. As I got out of my car I pulled up a box of Dunhill Ice, the cold smoke felt amazing as the cold air blew by.

“Oi, you got a fag on you? I emptied out my last box.”
“You gotta take it easy on the smokes man, you’re chain smoking again.”
“I’ll bloody relax when we get outta Bruges.”
“Yeah, yeah. What’s the time yeah? “
                Ray glanced at his wrist watch for a few seconds almost as if he was about to daze off into a daydream.
“About half past three.”
                He had this strange habit of always looking like he’s got something on his mind, as if the entire world around him somehow just didn’t fit. His eyebrows would always be furrowed while he was all huddled up in his brown coat.
“We should really get going if we’re going to make it in time for dinner, Ray.”
“Can we have like, a burger and a pint by the pub, please?”
“Only if you’re a good little boy.”

“I have a reservation for two rooms.”
“Of course, uh mister…?”
                The receptionist asked. We had arrived at Bruges, the lovely fairytale land. Looking around it seemed anything but. Same as ever, drab white walls for a drab and cold land. The Helm’s inn was a small little hotel where two nondescript men could rest out two rooms for a few nights - on business of course.
“Smith. John Smith.”
“Ah yes, mister Smith. You and your colleague will be in rooms 205 and 206 respectively. Might I have the bellhop take your bags?”
“That’s not necessary, thanks.”
“Of course, good day sir.”
                A smile with a key later and we’re in our rooms.

Not exactly what I’d call vacationing in luxury but it would have to do. A single bed with comforters that weren’t too bad, a single television that showed nothing but ads, a small fridge filled with overpriced hotel snacks, nothing a few bottles of Heineken couldn’t fix, and a bathroom with a shower. Quaint, really. I chucked the duffel bag onto the bed before collapsing next to it, God I was tired. But we had to get ready for the job or else we won’t be getting paid at all. Unzipping the duffle I emptied its contents onto the bed, a single Walther p99 with a 9mm silencer, a dossier given to me by our client, a few magazines of subsonic ammunition, and about five hundred quid to spend. The dossier itself was what interested me right now; I hadn’t taken a proper look at it since our client handed it to me a few days back. Opening  the file you could see only about three or four pieces of paper along with a few pictures. Billy Martin, well known drug lord and human trafficker, heads many of the import/export docks of the underworld, anything you wanted in or out of Europe he would be your man. During the day he’d launder the money through various ‘charities’ and hobbies of his, he was known to be very physically fit with all the marathons and cycling he did. In the eyes of the public he was an upstanding citizen, but then again, aren’t all under-lords upstanding citizens really?

                He’s scheduled for a charity dinner tomorrow night with the leading heads of a few multi-million corporations, why they’re al in Bruges I’ll never know. Then again I’m guessing the past attacks on political and corporate heads in London might have something to do with it. Can’t help it really, it was fun and well worth the money. So maybe I enjoyed the job in London a little too much, sue me. In any case we had about a day to scope out the place and find the best feasible way to take Billy down. Those were the orders, dead at any cost. Guess it was time to hit the town.

                I knocked on Ray’s door a few times before yelling through the crack in door and the doorway.
“Ray, you ready? Let’s go get some bloody dinner, I’m starving.”
“Be there in a minute I’m in the shower, meet you donstairs.”
 “Don’t be in there daydreaming about your girl all day, we’ve got some recon to do as well.”
“Keep your knickers on I’ll be right there just head on down first.”

                The lobby was practically empty save for this one fellow who had just walked into the inn. He looked – how should I put this. Rather small. And not like, petite or anything. Uh, he was a midget, or as Ray calls them, dwarves. The last time I heard Ray talk about a dwarf was when he told me about his first time in Bruges. It’s how he met his girlfriend; she was working on set for this movie that had this one Midget who would always be hopped up on horse tranquilisers, crazy stuff. It – can’t be the same one could it? Nah that one died a long time back. Unless -
 “Oi, what’re you daydreaming about man?”
I was quickly brought back to the current reality I was in.
“Oh, nothing Ray. You took your time, I’m starving.”
“Well sorry I wanted to wash away the bad memories of this fucking hell-hole.”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.”

I was starving like a leopard kept in captivity in a very poorly maintained zoo. I could eat a horse – preferably not one that was put on tranqs. I was craving for a good ld burger and a pint over at the local pub. Looking back now I really wish I didn’t walk out the front door so quickly, or even at all because that’s when it all went to shite. The second I walked out that door, it hit me. The cold air suddenly became a harsh and painful chill down my spine, the world seemed to slow down to a near standstill around me while I fell to the ground at an accelerated rate. Have you ever been shot before? It’s not fun I can tell you that, it’s like, imagine you’re a sheet of glass right, and all of a sudden this bullet that’s like a sledgehammer just plows right through you. Worst feeling in the world I tell you. But in that moment all I could think of was ‘Shit. Someone doesn’t want us around here or anywhere near Billy, this job was about to get twice as hard. Our position’s been compromised and so have I. Worst part? I was still hungry.’

Flash Forward

“Look at me Billy, I want to see the look in your eyes as I drop you off this fucking bell tower, you no good, spineless, cunt.”


I tremble with tiny earthquakes every time you kiss me, and it feels as if I am falling into the continental rift of your smile and for every time you have laughed, my brain has blanked with wordlessness because there’s something so impossibly beautiful about the colour of your eyes and the way your hair can’t choose a style and I have never been enough, so how can I be worthy of such thing as your love?

Because love isn’t about who’s worthy of whom. It’s not a hierarchy where you have to meet all the prerequisites in order to have my love. My love is for me to willingly give, it’s me handing my heart over to you so that you may hold my heart. Love is not worthiness. Love is giving you all the power to destroy me, but trusting that you don’t. That’s why you don’t have to be worthy of my love, because you’ve had it a long time ago.

Who’d have known?

It’s 5 o clock in the morning,
Conversation got boring,
You said you’re going to bed soon,
So I snuck off to your bedroom,
And I thought i’d just wait there,
Untill I heard you come up the stairs,
And I pretended I was sleeping,
And I was hoping you would creep in with me.

You put your arm around my shoulder,
It was as if the room got colder,
And we moved closer in together,
And started talking about the weather,
You said tomorow would be fun,
And we could watch A Place In The Sun,
I didn’t know where this was going,
When you kissed me.

Are you mine? Are you mine?
Cos I stay here all the time,
Watching telly, Drinking wine,
Who’d have known, Who’d have known?
When you flash up on my phone,
I no longer feel alone,
No longer feel alone.

I haven’t left you for days now,
And I’m becoming amazed how,
Your quite affectionate in public,
In fact your friend said it made her feel sick,
And even though it’s moving forward,
There’s just the right amount of awkward,
And today you accidentally,
Called me baby.

Are you mine? Are you mine?
Cos I stay here all the time,
Watching telly, Drinking wine,
Who’d have known, Who’d have known?
When you flash up on my phone,
I no longer feel alone,

Let’s just stay, Let’s just stay,
I wanna lie in bed all day,
We’ll be laughing all the way,
You told your friends,
They all know,
That we exsist but we’re taking it slow,
Lets just see how we go,
Now let’s see how we go.

I would say I love you like the wind loves leaves, that you make me feel noticed and your breath is my motion, but the wind is intangible and this is not enough. I would say I love you like the ocean loves a round full moon, that you are my tides and my gravity, but these are lovers that can never kiss so this is not enough. I would say I love you like a fire loves the dark night, that by being yourself you make me shine brightly, that your touch makes sparks jump under my skin, but the darkest evening still has stars to outshine tiny embers and this is not enough. I would say that I love you like the earth loves deep caverns, that you have found the hidden parts of me and made them filled with diamonds but tunnels crumble and this is not enough. But, do I love you like birds love warm summer days, spreading their wings on thermals and letting the air hold them? Do I love you like horses love an open plain? I don’t know. I can’t say, but I do, really, love you (:

I love you too, with all my heart, with everything I have, with all I can give and all I can do. You encapsulate the entirety of my very being, you are mine and I’ll be damned if I’m not yours. I love you. 

What if the moment I let you have all of me, you realize that you want to leave? What will be left at the bottom of my box if you have already taken hope? I don’t want to be pandora. I want to be yours..

Getting all of you isn’t going to make me leave, it’s when we reach the point that we’ve given our all to one another that we can say ‘Hey, this is where we start adding to one another’s lives, together.’ I don’t want to take your hope, I want to add to it. I don’t want you to be pandora, trapped in a box with nothing but the bare and cold world around you. I want you to be my Hestia, my Home and my Hearth.
I wan’t you to be my four seasons, my warm Summer’s day, my snowy Winter angel, my amber and calm Autumn as well as my hopeful and beautiful Spring. 


I miss you so much it hurts. I miss you like early flowers miss the warm sun and how deserts miss rain. I miss you like you were a bullet through me and I miss you like you are the wind to get me breathing again. I miss you and honestly, it scares me.

I’m missing you so much
Can’t help it, I’m in love
A day without you is like a year without rain
I need you by my side
Don’t know how I’ll survive
A day without you is like a year without rain


It is okay to hate pizza even though your friends will question your sanity. It is okay to like fictional characters more than actual people, even though sometimes the writing is better in real life. It is okay to paint your room blue and pink and black and orange and get your floor messy, even though your parents will probably not be pleased. It is okay to have scars on your arms, even though in summer you feel like you have to hide them. It is okay to cry over a two-hundred calorie snack, even though no one will understand what the matter is. It is okay to have bad days. It’s okay to be or feel sad. It’s okay to have feelings. If someone hasn’t given you permission: there you go, I have <3

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