“Do you ever think about me, Bunny?”
I already knew the answer that I wanted to hear yet I still asked.
“What kind of a question is that Fen”
She replied, jokingly but at the same time a little insulted that I’d ever think she didn’t, I knew the answer, I did. But I just wanted to hear it.
“C’mon baby girl, humour an old dog would you?”
I saw her ease into the railing behind her, the cityscape surrounded us. I saw her, in her pale white dress she loved wearing. That glint of moonlight in her eye, the soft glow of her skin. I’ve missed her.
“Alright - Well, what exactly do you mean by that question then?”
She cocked her head to one side, she just wanted me to say it.
“Like, when you’re alone and away from all the noise of the city, Bunny. I mean, in those moments right before you fall asleep in that penthouse of yours. When there’s no one around, no cameras, no socialites. Just - you, alone with yourself. Do I ever just - cross your mind?”
Stumbling on my words, butterflies in my stomach. Come on Fen, what’s with you. You can twist a man’s neck without a second talk but as soon as you see her again you melt into this - this, puddle of mush?
She paused for a second, turned away. Was it something I said? She looked - melancholic to say the least.
“You’ve been gone for five years honey.”
“No, Fen. You don’t. You don’t know, and don’t you dare even try and say that you’re sorry.”
You know that feeling when you hear you mum calling your name, your full name. Your heart kinda just sinks and you start to feel the guilt of ever bad thing you’ve ever done? Yeah. This was one of those moments.
“Five years, Fen. And for what? To chase some business deal all the way into the Orient? You left me here, you said you’d be back two months tops. Boy was I an idiot to have believed you. I sat there like a fool for you, Fen. Not a single letter, not a single visit. You couldn’t even do me that decency could you?”
Ah shit, I hoped this wasn’t gonna happen.
“You, selfish, good for nothing - Prick! Five bloody years you go off gallivanting over there doing God knows what, with God only knows who. And here I am left alone to pick up the pieces of my life, to try and make it all okay again.”
“You seem to be doing just fine for yourself, Bunny. Being a celebrity and all I mean.”
“Do you think this makes me happy? I’m a plastic smile that everyone knows but no one ever bothers with. Those socialites, not a single one ever asked me about my life or how I am. All everyone ever cares about was what the latest gossip is around here.”
“I - never knew.”
“How could you, you weren’t even here. It’s empty around here. The people, the buildings. I lay in bed every night wishing to not wake up, all I wanted was a little money working as an extra. Then my agent landed me a small role in a b-movie. My parents were ecstatic, their little girl was on the road to being a star, a real somebody. How could I disappoint them? When you left - my hopes of escaping everyone left with you.”
I saw her eyes start to tear up. She wasn’t making this up, I was her escape and she never was shy about letting me know it. I was proud of it as well, I was her safe haven. A future away from her demons. How could I have left her here to fend for herself like that? How could I. I had to. That’s how. I had no choice.
“One role led to another and before you know it I’ve got lights in my eyes and red carpets every few weeks. I just had to take it one day at a time. There were nights though, nights I just couldn’t handle it, I cried ‘till I couldn’t cry. My chest felt like caving in, the weight on my shoulders was unbearable. There was only one thing that kept me going, Fen.”
“What was it?”
She looked up to me, slight trails of tears running down her cheeks.
“For the hell you put me through baby, you never left my mind. You left a hole in me that nothing and no one could ever fill. You were the only one who ever knew me, lover. All of me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I could never even think of going off with another guy, lughead. I don’t know about you though, I heard those Japanese girls are to die for.”
A chuckle left her red lips. A sound I had only dreamt about for the longest of times.
“You never bothered to ever date any other guy? Not a single one?”
“Why would I. None of them would ever know me like you did, no one would ever replace my big wolf. You, lover. You’re something else.”
I felt her fingers weave their way through my hair.
“What makes you say that, Bunny?”
“You found your way into my soul baby. You just don’t get it, you burn so bright, like this radiant star just inches away from my eyes. You managed to find your way into my bones, under my skin and into my heart. I always felt it when we used to cuddle in our bed back at the old apartment. This, brilliant, pure magnificence just burning in my chest. You crept into my every dark corner of my dusty mind. You saw the darkest parts of me and it never scared you.”
With each word she made her way towards me.
“When you left without a trace of course I was hurt, but you became this ghost to me. A ghost I could never give up. I saw you everywhere, in the corner of my eyes at times. I wanted so much to have you around, just to be able to hold you again.”
She curled her arm around mine and squeezed it tightly -
“To be held by you one last time.”
before wrapping herself in my arms. She was warm, like the warmth from a fireplace on a cold night.
“You were my wolf, baby. You were all mine then you were gone just like that. It kept me up so many nights, wondering if you’d ever come home to me. Just one night I’d come out here for a cig and here I’d find you, arms wide open. You wouldn’t even have to say a word and I’d just melt in your arms, like I was finally home.”
I held her tighter, I wasn’t letting go. Not again.
“Of course I thought of you, idiot. What kind of cold hearted bitch do you think I am to just forget about you like that. No one could ever forget you, baby. Especially not me. The only reason I ever kept on going is all because I didn’t want to leave without seeing you one last time. At least, just one last embrace, that’s all I ever asked for. All I ever wanted. Just, you.”
She pulled my face closed to hers. I met her lips with mine and suddenly, everything just melted away. All the fears and guilt that weighed me down just, fell away. I was home, I was exactly where I wanted to be. Here, with the girl I loved. The girl who was snatched away from me. I felt tears run down my face the longer we kissed. A smile crept upon her lips as we pulled away.
“Baby girl, I’m - I’m so…”
She placed a finger over my lips, smirking.
“Welcome home, baby boy.”
I was home.
As I leaned in for another kiss, I felt something cold in my side. Like a harsh draft. It wasn’t this cold out tonight. Then. The sharp pain set in. Like a thousand daggers twisting into me. I was shot. Cold blood seeped into my clothes. Then, everything faded away. Shit.
“Baby? Baby! Oh God no - please oh God no.”
That was the last thing I heard, the sound of her voice echoing into the darkness.
It’s cold here. What a cold night.