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There’s life in these veins. These needles have changed.

“Do you ever think about me, Bunny?” 

I already knew the answer that I wanted to hear yet I still asked.

“What kind of a question is that Fen”

She replied, jokingly but at the same time a little insulted that I’d ever think she didn’t, I knew the answer, I did. But I just wanted to hear it.

“C’mon baby girl, humour an old dog would you?”

I saw her ease into the railing behind her, the cityscape surrounded us. I saw her, in her pale white dress she loved wearing. That glint of moonlight in her eye, the soft glow of her skin. I’ve missed her.

“Alright - Well, what exactly do you mean by that question then?”

She cocked her head to one side, she just wanted me to say it.

“Like, when you’re alone and away from all the noise of the city, Bunny. I mean, in those moments right before you fall asleep in that penthouse of yours. When there’s no one around, no cameras, no socialites. Just - you, alone with yourself. Do I ever just - cross your mind?”

Stumbling on my words, butterflies in my stomach. Come on Fen, what’s with you. You can twist a man’s neck without a second talk but as soon as you see her again you melt into this - this, puddle of mush?

She paused for a second, turned away. Was it something I said? She looked - melancholic to say the least.

“You’ve been gone for five years honey.”
“I kno-”
“No, Fen. You don’t. You don’t know, and don’t you dare even try and say that you’re sorry.”

You know that feeling when you hear you mum calling your name, your full name. Your heart kinda just sinks and you start to feel the guilt of ever bad thing you’ve ever done? Yeah. This was one of those moments.

“Five years, Fen. And for what? To chase some business deal all the way into the Orient? You left me here, you said you’d be back two months tops. Boy was I an idiot to have believed you. I sat there like a fool for you, Fen. Not a single letter, not a single visit. You couldn’t even do me that decency could you?”

Ah shit, I hoped this wasn’t gonna happen.

“You, selfish, good for nothing - Prick! Five bloody years you go off gallivanting over there doing God knows what, with God only knows who. And here I am left alone to pick up the pieces of my life, to try and make it all okay again.”
“You seem to be doing just fine for yourself, Bunny. Being a celebrity and all I mean.”
“Do you think this makes me happy? I’m a plastic smile that everyone knows but no one ever bothers with. Those socialites, not a single one ever asked me about my life or how I am. All everyone ever cares about was what the latest gossip is around here.”
“I - never knew.”
“How could you, you weren’t even here. It’s empty around here. The people, the buildings. I lay in bed every night wishing to not wake up, all I wanted was a little money working as an extra. Then my agent landed me a small role in a b-movie. My parents were ecstatic, their little girl was on the road to being a star, a real somebody. How could I disappoint them? When you left - my hopes of escaping everyone left with you.”

I saw her eyes start to tear up. She wasn’t making this up, I was her escape and she never was shy about letting me know it. I was proud of it as well, I was her safe haven. A future away from her demons. How could I have left her here to fend for herself like that? How could I. I had to. That’s how. I had no choice.

“One role led to another and before you know it I’ve got lights in my eyes and red carpets every few weeks. I just had to take it one day at a time. There were nights though, nights I just couldn’t handle it, I cried ‘till I couldn’t cry. My chest felt like caving in, the weight on my shoulders was unbearable. There was only one thing that kept me going, Fen.”
“What was it?”

She looked up to me, slight trails of tears running down her cheeks.

“For the hell you put me through baby, you never left my mind. You left a hole in me that nothing and no one could ever fill. You were the only one who ever knew me, lover. All of me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I could never even think of going off with another guy, lughead. I don’t know about you though, I heard those Japanese girls are to die for.”

A chuckle left her red lips. A sound I had only dreamt about for the longest of times.

“You never bothered to ever date any other guy? Not a single one?”
“Why would I. None of them would ever know me like you did, no one would ever replace my big wolf. You, lover. You’re something else.”

I felt her fingers weave their way through my hair.

“What makes you say that, Bunny?”
“You found your way into my soul baby. You just don’t get it, you burn so bright, like this radiant star just inches away from my eyes. You managed to find your way into my bones, under my skin and into my heart. I always felt it when we used to cuddle in our bed back at the old apartment. This, brilliant, pure magnificence just burning in my chest. You crept into my every dark corner of my dusty mind. You saw the darkest parts of me and it never scared you.”

With each word she made her way towards me.

“When you left without a trace of course I was hurt, but you became this ghost to me. A ghost I could never give up. I saw you everywhere, in the corner of my eyes at times. I wanted so much to have you around, just to be able to hold you again.”

She curled her arm around mine and squeezed it tightly -

“To be held by you one last time.”

before wrapping herself in my arms. She was warm, like the warmth from a fireplace on a cold night.

“You were my wolf, baby. You were all mine then you were gone just like that. It kept me up so many nights, wondering if you’d ever come home to me. Just one night I’d come out here for a cig and here I’d find you, arms wide open. You wouldn’t even have to say a word and I’d just melt in your arms, like I was finally home.”

I held her tighter, I wasn’t letting go. Not again.

“Of course I thought of you, idiot. What kind of cold hearted bitch do you think I am to just forget about you like that. No one could ever forget you, baby. Especially not me. The only reason I ever kept on going is all because I didn’t want to leave without seeing you one last time. At least, just one last embrace, that’s all I ever asked for. All I ever wanted. Just, you.”

She pulled my face closed to hers. I met her lips with mine and suddenly, everything just melted away. All the fears and guilt that weighed me down just, fell away. I was home, I was exactly where I wanted to be. Here, with the girl I loved. The girl who was snatched away from me. I felt tears run down my face the longer we kissed. A smile crept upon her lips as we pulled away.

“Baby girl, I’m - I’m so…”

She placed a finger over my lips, smirking.

“Welcome home, baby boy.”

I was home.

As I leaned in for another kiss, I felt something cold in my side. Like a harsh draft. It wasn’t this cold out tonight. Then. The sharp pain set in. Like a thousand daggers twisting into me. I was shot. Cold blood seeped into my clothes. Then, everything faded away. Shit.

“Baby? Baby! Oh God no - please oh God no.”

That was the last thing I heard, the sound of her voice echoing into the darkness.
It’s cold here. What a cold night.


Will you still love me when it’s three in the morning and I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe? Will you still love me when I coat pillows in mascara and eyeliner because my mom decided to remind me how worthless she thinks I am? Will you still love me when I shut you out and won’t explain to you why because I don’t want to bring you down? Will you still love me when I can’t handle being strong and I find relief in razors instead of your arms? Will you still love me when you know I have demons constantly lurking in my mind just waiting to mess everything up? 

You are my everything, and I don’t want darkness to mess this up.

I promised to love you no matter what. And I plan to see that promise through to the end of my life.
Will you still love me as I love you?

Because I’ve got demons too.

You’re my world, my heaven, my all.
Because even with darkness, I’ll see you as my guiding light.

In Bruges

                “One could say that the series of events leading up to my death was rather – unfortunate, to say the least. They say that sometimes Hell is what you make of it, well – have you ever been to Bruges? Lovely place some people say, it’s – oh what’s that? Where’s Bruges? It’s in Belgium, yeah I never would have guessed hell is in Belgium either but that’s beside the point.  Anyway, Bruges right, it’s this lovely and magical place that reminds people of fairytales and whatnot. To me, it was a shite-hole. It was bad enough I was dragged to Bruges for a second time for work, again. What happened there, fuck man – I’ve seen some things you never wanna see.”

                He can’t be dead – no, no, no, no, no. He laid there, limp and lifeless on the cold pavement, surrounded by a crowd of people whose jaws would be on the floor had it not been attached to their thick skulls. Blood leaked from his wounds, two shots through the skull and five in the chest. No one would come back from that. I ran towards him pushing aside as many people as I could, Jesus, how could this have happened. I let him out of my sight for one minute and he goes and gets himself shot. I slid onto my knees and pulled Ray closer to me, he was bleeding out gallons of blood. I was already tearing up, but I had to hold back the tears, I couldn’t start bawling my eyes out just yet. Shit, Ray. 

We just had to be in Bruges.

One year later.

“Fucking Bruges, Kris.”
                I heard him over the speakerphone on my Sony Xperia.
                Christ, he was pissed, of course he would be. He almost died the last time we were here.
“I mean for God’s sake we could be anywhere in the world right now to do a job and where do we head to?”
                I answered.
“That’s right, fucking right. Bruges.”
“Now don’t go blowing your head off, Ray. You’re sitting in a bloody Volks for Christ’s sake and I’m sittin in a freaking Alfa Romeo, we’re living the good life, man.”

A slightly excited tone came from my end, I mean who wouldn’t be? We really were living. That one hit we did a few months back gave us enough cash to propel our business skyward. We were the top of the top.
                What business are we in, you ask? We shoot people for a living.
“Yeah yeah, we’ve got good cars and good guns, we’re living. So why the bloody hell did we take a job in Bruges?!”
                Oh God he was pissed.
“Because the pay is good, it’s just one target and no one told me it was fucking Bruges till I took the job.”
“Right, right. Fine, fine! I just really fucking hate Bruges.”

                We drove for another hour or so along the empty roads, it was autumn so the colours around us helped to at least lighten the mood. Yellow and orange leaves were scattered all along the roads as the sun started to dip into the horizon, casting a yellow sky overhead. It would take us another half hour before we reached the hotel but I could feel it in me already, we’ve been driving nonstop in our cars for about what two to three hours now? My back hurt and my hands were getting tired, fuck we needed a fag break. We decided to stop for a few minutes by the side of the road. As I got out of my car I pulled up a box of Dunhill Ice, the cold smoke felt amazing as the cold air blew by.

“Oi, you got a fag on you? I emptied out my last box.”
“You gotta take it easy on the smokes man, you’re chain smoking again.”
“I’ll bloody relax when we get outta Bruges.”
“Yeah, yeah. What’s the time yeah? “
                Ray glanced at his wrist watch for a few seconds almost as if he was about to daze off into a daydream.
“About half past three.”
                He had this strange habit of always looking like he’s got something on his mind, as if the entire world around him somehow just didn’t fit. His eyebrows would always be furrowed while he was all huddled up in his brown coat.
“We should really get going if we’re going to make it in time for dinner, Ray.”
“Can we have like, a burger and a pint by the pub, please?”
“Only if you’re a good little boy.”

“I have a reservation for two rooms.”
“Of course, uh mister…?”
                The receptionist asked. We had arrived at Bruges, the lovely fairytale land. Looking around it seemed anything but. Same as ever, drab white walls for a drab and cold land. The Helm’s inn was a small little hotel where two nondescript men could rest out two rooms for a few nights - on business of course.
“Smith. John Smith.”
“Ah yes, mister Smith. You and your colleague will be in rooms 205 and 206 respectively. Might I have the bellhop take your bags?”
“That’s not necessary, thanks.”
“Of course, good day sir.”
                A smile with a key later and we’re in our rooms.

Not exactly what I’d call vacationing in luxury but it would have to do. A single bed with comforters that weren’t too bad, a single television that showed nothing but ads, a small fridge filled with overpriced hotel snacks, nothing a few bottles of Heineken couldn’t fix, and a bathroom with a shower. Quaint, really. I chucked the duffel bag onto the bed before collapsing next to it, God I was tired. But we had to get ready for the job or else we won’t be getting paid at all. Unzipping the duffle I emptied its contents onto the bed, a single Walther p99 with a 9mm silencer, a dossier given to me by our client, a few magazines of subsonic ammunition, and about five hundred quid to spend. The dossier itself was what interested me right now; I hadn’t taken a proper look at it since our client handed it to me a few days back. Opening  the file you could see only about three or four pieces of paper along with a few pictures. Billy Martin, well known drug lord and human trafficker, heads many of the import/export docks of the underworld, anything you wanted in or out of Europe he would be your man. During the day he’d launder the money through various ‘charities’ and hobbies of his, he was known to be very physically fit with all the marathons and cycling he did. In the eyes of the public he was an upstanding citizen, but then again, aren’t all under-lords upstanding citizens really?

                He’s scheduled for a charity dinner tomorrow night with the leading heads of a few multi-million corporations, why they’re al in Bruges I’ll never know. Then again I’m guessing the past attacks on political and corporate heads in London might have something to do with it. Can’t help it really, it was fun and well worth the money. So maybe I enjoyed the job in London a little too much, sue me. In any case we had about a day to scope out the place and find the best feasible way to take Billy down. Those were the orders, dead at any cost. Guess it was time to hit the town.

                I knocked on Ray’s door a few times before yelling through the crack in door and the doorway.
“Ray, you ready? Let’s go get some bloody dinner, I’m starving.”
“Be there in a minute I’m in the shower, meet you donstairs.”
 “Don’t be in there daydreaming about your girl all day, we’ve got some recon to do as well.”
“Keep your knickers on I’ll be right there just head on down first.”

                The lobby was practically empty save for this one fellow who had just walked into the inn. He looked – how should I put this. Rather small. And not like, petite or anything. Uh, he was a midget, or as Ray calls them, dwarves. The last time I heard Ray talk about a dwarf was when he told me about his first time in Bruges. It’s how he met his girlfriend; she was working on set for this movie that had this one Midget who would always be hopped up on horse tranquilisers, crazy stuff. It – can’t be the same one could it? Nah that one died a long time back. Unless -
 “Oi, what’re you daydreaming about man?”
I was quickly brought back to the current reality I was in.
“Oh, nothing Ray. You took your time, I’m starving.”
“Well sorry I wanted to wash away the bad memories of this fucking hell-hole.”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.”

I was starving like a leopard kept in captivity in a very poorly maintained zoo. I could eat a horse – preferably not one that was put on tranqs. I was craving for a good ld burger and a pint over at the local pub. Looking back now I really wish I didn’t walk out the front door so quickly, or even at all because that’s when it all went to shite. The second I walked out that door, it hit me. The cold air suddenly became a harsh and painful chill down my spine, the world seemed to slow down to a near standstill around me while I fell to the ground at an accelerated rate. Have you ever been shot before? It’s not fun I can tell you that, it’s like, imagine you’re a sheet of glass right, and all of a sudden this bullet that’s like a sledgehammer just plows right through you. Worst feeling in the world I tell you. But in that moment all I could think of was ‘Shit. Someone doesn’t want us around here or anywhere near Billy, this job was about to get twice as hard. Our position’s been compromised and so have I. Worst part? I was still hungry.’

Flash Forward

“Look at me Billy, I want to see the look in your eyes as I drop you off this fucking bell tower, you no good, spineless, cunt.”


I tremble with tiny earthquakes every time you kiss me, and it feels as if I am falling into the continental rift of your smile and for every time you have laughed, my brain has blanked with wordlessness because there’s something so impossibly beautiful about the colour of your eyes and the way your hair can’t choose a style and I have never been enough, so how can I be worthy of such thing as your love?

Because love isn’t about who’s worthy of whom. It’s not a hierarchy where you have to meet all the prerequisites in order to have my love. My love is for me to willingly give, it’s me handing my heart over to you so that you may hold my heart. Love is not worthiness. Love is giving you all the power to destroy me, but trusting that you don’t. That’s why you don’t have to be worthy of my love, because you’ve had it a long time ago.

Who’d have known?

It’s 5 o clock in the morning,
Conversation got boring,
You said you’re going to bed soon,
So I snuck off to your bedroom,
And I thought i’d just wait there,
Untill I heard you come up the stairs,
And I pretended I was sleeping,
And I was hoping you would creep in with me.

You put your arm around my shoulder,
It was as if the room got colder,
And we moved closer in together,
And started talking about the weather,
You said tomorow would be fun,
And we could watch A Place In The Sun,
I didn’t know where this was going,
When you kissed me.

Are you mine? Are you mine?
Cos I stay here all the time,
Watching telly, Drinking wine,
Who’d have known, Who’d have known?
When you flash up on my phone,
I no longer feel alone,
No longer feel alone.

I haven’t left you for days now,
And I’m becoming amazed how,
Your quite affectionate in public,
In fact your friend said it made her feel sick,
And even though it’s moving forward,
There’s just the right amount of awkward,
And today you accidentally,
Called me baby.

Are you mine? Are you mine?
Cos I stay here all the time,
Watching telly, Drinking wine,
Who’d have known, Who’d have known?
When you flash up on my phone,
I no longer feel alone,

Let’s just stay, Let’s just stay,
I wanna lie in bed all day,
We’ll be laughing all the way,
You told your friends,
They all know,
That we exsist but we’re taking it slow,
Lets just see how we go,
Now let’s see how we go.

I would say I love you like the wind loves leaves, that you make me feel noticed and your breath is my motion, but the wind is intangible and this is not enough. I would say I love you like the ocean loves a round full moon, that you are my tides and my gravity, but these are lovers that can never kiss so this is not enough. I would say I love you like a fire loves the dark night, that by being yourself you make me shine brightly, that your touch makes sparks jump under my skin, but the darkest evening still has stars to outshine tiny embers and this is not enough. I would say that I love you like the earth loves deep caverns, that you have found the hidden parts of me and made them filled with diamonds but tunnels crumble and this is not enough. But, do I love you like birds love warm summer days, spreading their wings on thermals and letting the air hold them? Do I love you like horses love an open plain? I don’t know. I can’t say, but I do, really, love you (:

I love you too, with all my heart, with everything I have, with all I can give and all I can do. You encapsulate the entirety of my very being, you are mine and I’ll be damned if I’m not yours. I love you. 

What if the moment I let you have all of me, you realize that you want to leave? What will be left at the bottom of my box if you have already taken hope? I don’t want to be pandora. I want to be yours..

Getting all of you isn’t going to make me leave, it’s when we reach the point that we’ve given our all to one another that we can say ‘Hey, this is where we start adding to one another’s lives, together.’ I don’t want to take your hope, I want to add to it. I don’t want you to be pandora, trapped in a box with nothing but the bare and cold world around you. I want you to be my Hestia, my Home and my Hearth.
I wan’t you to be my four seasons, my warm Summer’s day, my snowy Winter angel, my amber and calm Autumn as well as my hopeful and beautiful Spring. 


I miss you so much it hurts. I miss you like early flowers miss the warm sun and how deserts miss rain. I miss you like you were a bullet through me and I miss you like you are the wind to get me breathing again. I miss you and honestly, it scares me.

I’m missing you so much
Can’t help it, I’m in love
A day without you is like a year without rain
I need you by my side
Don’t know how I’ll survive
A day without you is like a year without rain


It is okay to hate pizza even though your friends will question your sanity. It is okay to like fictional characters more than actual people, even though sometimes the writing is better in real life. It is okay to paint your room blue and pink and black and orange and get your floor messy, even though your parents will probably not be pleased. It is okay to have scars on your arms, even though in summer you feel like you have to hide them. It is okay to cry over a two-hundred calorie snack, even though no one will understand what the matter is. It is okay to have bad days. It’s okay to be or feel sad. It’s okay to have feelings. If someone hasn’t given you permission: there you go, I have <3

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